My Thank you note to the Live It Up Podcast

Background: I won a little contest on the Live It Up podcast. I sent them a thank you note for the prize. This is that note. I thought you'd enjoy

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I promised myself that if I got any extra money this holiday season, I was going to put it toward a new phone.

My old phone, Jeeves, a  3GS has been a faithful helper and companion for several years now. He’s been terrific, always by my side and available for a quick Google or important text message. Jeeves is the closest a man of modest means, such as myself, will ever come to having a butler; thus the name.

But Jeeves was showing his age. His battery didn’t last as long as it once did; his screen wasn’t as responsive to my touch as it once was and he was getting a little slow.

When your check arrived, it put me within reach of a new 4S. I went to the Apple Store not anticipating the crowd that I found there, but I knew what I wanted. I told the greeter; who added my name to a clipboard with a long list of names of people waiting to see a sales person; exactly what I wanted: a 32 GB, black 4S with a case, extended warranty & screen protector.

She pointed to the wall where I could select a case & screen protector while I waited for the sales person. I had those items in my hand in no time.

The wait wasn’t too bad. The salesman, Jeff, introduced himself and asked if I needed any information on the iPhone. I told him no and listed the features I wanted. He punched that info into his iPod; asked which carrier I wanted; asked for my payment information and I was done; an easy transaction.

The hard part was to follow. At home, I plugged the 4S into the computer to add applications, music and so forth. But the really hard part was what to name the 4S. I thought that maybe I should go with something cute, or dirty, or… I just didn’t know.

I decided to keep with the butler theme. I thought and thought trying to remember a butler’s name. I thought of Mr. French, the butler from “Family Affair,” but those kids suffered pretty gruesome fates; so I rejected that.

Then I thought of the most famous butler I knew. Batman’s butler… the ever faithful, ever helpful, the keeper of Batman’s secret identity… shit! What was his name?

Albert, I decided. I looked at the phone, but it didn’t look like an Albert. Albert is a fat kid’s name.

I sat for a few more minutes. My brain kept telling me Albert. It didn’t feel right, but I typed it in. My phone, Albert. A little vomit rose in my throat.

I carried Albert all evening, playing Words with Friends, Tweeting, listening to podcasts. Albert performed flawlessly.

But later that night, I went to bed with a troubled mind. Maybe I was just having buyer’s remorse over Albert.

I tossed and turned finally waking with a start at 3:15 AM.

I thought, “Albert! Albert was the name of the actor, Eddie Albert, in Green Acres! He wasn’t a butler! And Albert would blab everything. He was married to that Gabor twin in that show! She’d leak anything in the world to Boris Badinoff in a heartbeat! Hell; Eddie Albert would try to grow corn in the bat cave!”

“Albert wouldn’t keep any secrets! It was Alfred! Alfred Pennyworth! Alfred would keep Batman’s identity secret! Alfred would keep the location of the bat cave from the bad guys! Alfred would even clean up the bat cave after Batman does the nasty with Robin!”

I rushed upstairs and renamed the 4S to Alfred.

Thank you so much for your assistance in getting Alfred. I’m sure he will be my faithful companion for many years or until my contract runs out… or a newer more handsome model is introduced.

Buddy's Version of "The 12 Days of Christmas"

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
a chew toy under a pear tree.


On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love sent to me;:
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
7 stuffed toys;
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
8 bags of blueberries;
7 stuffed toys;
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
9 cardboard chew tubes;
8 bags of blueberries;
7 stuffed toys;
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
10 shreddable phone books;
9 cardboard chew tubes;
8 bags of blueberries;
7 stuffed toys;
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
11 bunny rattles;
10 shreddable phone books;
9 cardboard chew tubes;
8 bags of blueberries;
7 stuffed toys;
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
12 baby rabbits;
11 bunny rattles;
10 shreddable phone books;
9 cardboard chew tubes;
8 bags of blueberries;
7 stuffed toys;
6 ducks a quacking;
5 bales of hay;
4 willow wreaths;
3 Ripe Cherries;
2 bunny massages;
and a chew toy under a pear tree.






... Wait! What was that last verse?

A Day from Hell

Today was a crummy day at the ol' salt mine. Late yesterday, a server processor quit working. That server was a single processor box that is fairly old.

When we bought it, we were told, "oh, it's just a file server; so only put a single processor in. It doesn't need hot swappable parts, because it's not critical and we need to save money."

Famous last words.

Well a project that was due today depended on that server, and it sure became important to the person doing the project yesterday.

Anyway, a person on the team worked into the night trying to get the computer running, but found the doa processor. He called and located a company that could overnight the part. BUT, we have to get approval from 2 different departments for emergency purchases and they weren't there that late at night to give the approval.

The order had to wait until today; never mind the poor user that needed their files.

So today, we started the process to buy the part. We filled out forms to make the purchase. Got them signed by our director, logged in by the secretary and walked down to the purchasing officer, who, as luck would have it, was offsite for the day.

The request went to the desk of a lower level purchasing agent, who called to say the vendor had to have a credit check before we could buy from them. That credit check would require an additional 24 hours.

I Googled the part number & found another vendor, Amazon. Now, it was an Amazon affiliate, but the check would go to Amazon. I gave this information to the purchasing peon along with 10 pages of additional vendors. They found one to their liking and the purchase process was back on.

It went to our financial department next who moved heaven & earth to get the order processed. It was logged into another computer system and the money was allocated for the purchase. Next, it went back to our purchasing office for the signature of the director who, remember the director? Was offsite.

I took the piece of paper, hopped in my car & started driving; right after the purchasing peon told me, they had to fax it by 2:00 PM for the vendor to get it to fedex for delivery today. Also, I had no idea where I was going.

I plugged the address into my smart phone & with fingers crossed, started heading across town.

I got lost!

I knew I was in trouble when the mapping app started taking me on winding back roads through a warehouse district in the, well I'll say it, the BAD part of town.

But through shear determination, I finally found the place, It was a warehouse that looked like the perfect crime scene location from CSI.

I rushed in; took a while to locate the purchasing director; got a signature. 15 minutes until 2:00 for a 30 minute drive back to the office is the lights worked in my favor.

Abandoning the mapping software, I took another route back to the office. I was guessing that there had to be a more direct route since I had been near that part of town on bike rides.

I was right and got back to the office in 20 minutes only to find that someone had taken my parking space in assigned parking. I took a visitor's space, put my parking id on the dash, informed security that I was in visitor's lot & there was an asshole in my space. There referred me to the guy that writes the tickets, saying "If you don't tell him, you might get towed."

I found him; reported the issue. In his most official way, he grabbed his ticket book saying "I'll take care of this."

I didn't offer my car keys, so I figured it wouldn't include moving my car.

So next I was off to the purchasing office... in the next building...

I was 5 minutes late, but I'm keeping fingers crossed that the part will be there tomorrow.