My Thank you note to the Live It Up Podcast

Background: I won a little contest on the Live It Up podcast. I sent them a thank you note for the prize. This is that note. I thought you'd enjoy

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I promised myself that if I got any extra money this holiday season, I was going to put it toward a new phone.

My old phone, Jeeves, a  3GS has been a faithful helper and companion for several years now. He’s been terrific, always by my side and available for a quick Google or important text message. Jeeves is the closest a man of modest means, such as myself, will ever come to having a butler; thus the name.

But Jeeves was showing his age. His battery didn’t last as long as it once did; his screen wasn’t as responsive to my touch as it once was and he was getting a little slow.

When your check arrived, it put me within reach of a new 4S. I went to the Apple Store not anticipating the crowd that I found there, but I knew what I wanted. I told the greeter; who added my name to a clipboard with a long list of names of people waiting to see a sales person; exactly what I wanted: a 32 GB, black 4S with a case, extended warranty & screen protector.

She pointed to the wall where I could select a case & screen protector while I waited for the sales person. I had those items in my hand in no time.

The wait wasn’t too bad. The salesman, Jeff, introduced himself and asked if I needed any information on the iPhone. I told him no and listed the features I wanted. He punched that info into his iPod; asked which carrier I wanted; asked for my payment information and I was done; an easy transaction.

The hard part was to follow. At home, I plugged the 4S into the computer to add applications, music and so forth. But the really hard part was what to name the 4S. I thought that maybe I should go with something cute, or dirty, or… I just didn’t know.

I decided to keep with the butler theme. I thought and thought trying to remember a butler’s name. I thought of Mr. French, the butler from “Family Affair,” but those kids suffered pretty gruesome fates; so I rejected that.

Then I thought of the most famous butler I knew. Batman’s butler… the ever faithful, ever helpful, the keeper of Batman’s secret identity… shit! What was his name?

Albert, I decided. I looked at the phone, but it didn’t look like an Albert. Albert is a fat kid’s name.

I sat for a few more minutes. My brain kept telling me Albert. It didn’t feel right, but I typed it in. My phone, Albert. A little vomit rose in my throat.

I carried Albert all evening, playing Words with Friends, Tweeting, listening to podcasts. Albert performed flawlessly.

But later that night, I went to bed with a troubled mind. Maybe I was just having buyer’s remorse over Albert.

I tossed and turned finally waking with a start at 3:15 AM.

I thought, “Albert! Albert was the name of the actor, Eddie Albert, in Green Acres! He wasn’t a butler! And Albert would blab everything. He was married to that Gabor twin in that show! She’d leak anything in the world to Boris Badinoff in a heartbeat! Hell; Eddie Albert would try to grow corn in the bat cave!”

“Albert wouldn’t keep any secrets! It was Alfred! Alfred Pennyworth! Alfred would keep Batman’s identity secret! Alfred would keep the location of the bat cave from the bad guys! Alfred would even clean up the bat cave after Batman does the nasty with Robin!”

I rushed upstairs and renamed the 4S to Alfred.

Thank you so much for your assistance in getting Alfred. I’m sure he will be my faithful companion for many years or until my contract runs out… or a newer more handsome model is introduced.